"It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything."
"Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs."
"A rather chubby lady walked by and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, ‘Ma’am I haven’t eaten in three days’. She said, ‘Gee I sure wish I had your willpower’."
"Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire."
"I take my wife everywhere…
… but she keeps finding her way back.”
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
"To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition."
"Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman."
"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career."